NigatsuBebe Swaps + Notes on Swap-bot.com

There's a Lot to say about the past few weeks, but focusing on just Swap-bot/crafting-related things, here's some preoccupations and stuff that's been happening while I'm off the site.

I have too many things, and I've been focusing more on downsizing again while being sick and recovering, like a pendulum, sick — recovery — sick — recovery — cold front...

I'm not going to do the ever-popular minimalist aspirational thing so many people do or attempt to do, like dieting but for objects. That's really what the relationship became: binge/purge, but for objects. It isn't healthy. 

But I do want to start letting go of "one day, I'll..." projects. With ADHD, I have a LOT of those. A never-ending to do list that never actually shows more than one or two accomplishments a year. For years. It's really difficult, sometimes actually impossible, to handle without the neurochemicals I absolutely need to be able to have executive function, working memory, and to produce feelings of interest or happiness. Yes, it's that bad with a neurological disorder. 

If you have ever been so. bored. that you click through 50 TV channels and nothing is interesting, you can't pay attention to a book for more than a few minutes, etc. you either have ADHD or you've gotten a taste of what it can be like for me. But then imagine being SO INCREDIBLY, UNSHAKEABLY BORED, for SO LONG, that only actual emergencies like things involving severe injuries and/or cops is the only thing that actually gets my attention at all. (So now you start to understand why so many ambulance workers have ADHD... because we're really good at emergencies, and even calm down during them, where other people can't.)

But back to the part about unfinished projects: they are everywhere. 20 empty frames that I would definitely put all sorts of things in for a wall 'collage'. It's been four years. I mean, you can't really do that in apartments easily anyways, but I patched the holes and painted last time. I was hesitant to do that during the past 13 years before that but tbh I rarely had money to eat AND pay bills, so it never occurred to me to do that during the last few years, and it was just a habit... but now I don't know. Is it still just a habit of want to do vs. avoidance of doing it because now, I'm 'programmed' with some kind of backlash? Whatever the issue, I have over a dozen empty frames I will never use. That I have 'things' "planned" for. That I've never used. That I have.......... you know what, just *start over.* 

Yes, I lost the money on them. Keeping them will not bring that back. 

Yes, I feel like I 'failed' again. Because that's the running outside input about ADHD *is*- a constant stream of failures. You're lazy, you don't pay attention enough, you never finish anything you start, you're just going to slack off again, you don't *really* want what you THINK you do (don't believe yourself, don't believe in yourself, do not pursue anything you think is interesting because you're just going to half-ass it and fuck it up AGAIN, like you ALWAYS do...) List the things you ACTUALLY. DID. Stuff you actually followed through on, that wasn't under some deadline like for school. And even then, how good did you do on those? Oh, so you got good grades, but you waited until the last minute for those essays? (logically, yes, that is when the "emergency" adrenaline part kicks in for ADHD, but.)

Some items, lots of things, are decision failure or decision fatigue. I can't decide whether I'll use this thing I got in a swap, so I'll keep it "just in case." 

And some things are "incidental" accumulation. That's where some of the "binge" comes in: not in going out and buying lots of stuff, since I can get piles of stuff for free... but that's kind of the thing. Getting Stuff is a dopamine-creator. People with ADHD have an issue with dopamine regulation. We don't use it right, so shopping to dopamine is like drinking a slurpee to blood sugar. WAY up and then... WAY down. And then we need it again. But getting free things *feels* like it isn't a problem because I don't spend anything! It's the same excitement source. 

When I ran the shop, it was managed without me even realising it. I could never afford much of anything for myself but for the shop, I was placing hundreds of dollars in orders and sorting through the interesting things, checking quality on lots, listing, packing the items all the time... I didn't make more than $10k at most per year, as Etsy fees kept rising and Paypal refund scams became more rampant. But it kept me interested in something.

All of these objects, I'll put them where I can find them. At least I've gotten better at THAT part. Now I have three cases, five binders, a drawer, plus a separate two shelves dedicated to stuff to trade out in Swap-Bot. And the stack just grows. I don't do enough paper crafting for all that though, and I likely need to get a new piece of furniture for the office to help me with medical stuff. So I need to downsize and somehow raise the money to help cover some of that.

I spent several hours going through a handful of cases and binders for the first sweep. There's So Much here. 

I listed three swaps on Swap-bot, two public and one for NRB. They are all sender's choice. I pre-packed the envelopes to get some of these items 'out of the way.' I also spent some hours using up tiny scraps, washi, and stickers to decorate envelopes. 

I'll be listing big packs of random collage/papercrafting items on Craigslist, eligible for shipping. These will not just be random assemblages of stuff you can get on Temu or Journalsay. I will post the links on my SB profile and here.

Thanks for being patient on new swaps. A third of the way through January already, and I'm thinking that February will be only a handful of swaps. March will hopefully be better.

There are no December swaps.

I've spent over a week with whatever sore throat fever flu thing that's going around, after all the Other Shit. Basic meds and stuff is taking over my life.

Crushing debts are about to skyrocket from things like tariffs, 25%+ for food, car parts, and other very basic every day things. Corporations will raise prices well ahead of those, so don't you delude your sweet lil heart over thinking it won't happen "for months."

And if you voted for Trump and any of his little group, you have effectively also voted to dissolve my friends' marriages, repeal Disability funding, and cut Medicare. They've also spent years trying to repeal the pre-existing condition protections in healthcare. That would be an actual death sentence for me.

EDS is genetic. So is my friends' cancer- which is now stage 3 because pre-existing conditions were a valid reason to deny insurance coverage when she was diagnosed, and most states don't have medicare expansion. "But WHADDABOUT county and charity programs????" lol baby doll, you think those exist until you apply for them. County "insurance" covered bloodwork and radiology to show that she had cancer, and that took a year. She is suffering and will likely die from a totally curable condition. A condition that WAS curable, at least. Now there's so much damage. I don't know.

So no, we cannot "just be friends." I am not friends with anyone who wants me and people like me to die, they're just too fucking passive aggressive and cowardly to hold the weapon themselves.

If that makes you sad or mad, boo hoo. Your actions have consequences. Now sit with them. 

No one chose your family or friendships over politics. Quite the opposite: you chose your politics over the lives and safety of your friends and family.